RYANAIR OPENS ITS NEW ROUTE TO THE CARNIVAL IN RIO DE JANEIRO
Finally! After many years of speculations, Ryanair – the “Walmart of the skies” (and in their own words “The world’s most popular airline”) goes long-haul! Insiders expected this move, after Ryanair CEO Michael O’Leary discussed the possibilities of transatlantic flights with his Irish carrier during several press conferences. Now, we all know that good spirit and humour is an Irish speciality. And without a good sense of humour Ryanair, also named Lyingair by some critics, would not exist.
And this is what Mr. O’Leary had to say about long haul flights in the past:
“In economy, no frills; in business class it'll all be free - including the bl..wjobs.”
After we all expected Ryanair to attack Virgin Atlantic, BA, Lufthansa, Air France, KLM and many others and start the route to New York (actually the advertising and your ticket will say New York, but the plane will land in Lebanon Municipal Airport in West Lebanon, New Hampshire. There will be a bus transfer to New York City and the journey for the approx. 380km will take 4 hours and 15 minutes. A bus ticket will cost 39 Euros and the return ticket 78 Euros) Michael O’Leary now decided to go to Rio de Janeiro instead. He is well aware, that the carnival attracts many visitors and of course he wants his share.
We received some details of the new Ryanair deal which will be advertised as follows:
“Fly to the Carnival in Rio 2017 for only 2 Euros !”
Book your tickets until 24th of July 2014 on our website by quoting “I love Ryanair because I am suicidal anyway”. Visit the most amazing carnival in the world in Brasil’s thriving capital (who cares about Brasilia anyway) where you can also pray at Christ The Redeemer for a safe return of Michael O’Leary’s most astonishing offer for all loyal Ryanair customers. Just prove that you have used Ryanair at least 20x in the years 2010-2012 and one of our customer- and eye-friendly yellow-blue plastic seats can be yours!
You think no rich people will ever use Ryanair? Just read what Michael O’Leary has to say about that: “"Do we carry rich people on our flights? Yes, I flew on one this morning and I'm very rich."
Departure is on the 30th of January 2017 from our Dublin East Airport (Blackpool, also serving Lancashire and the Lake District with free parking and tax-free shopping). After a 48 hour stop-over on the Azores (hotel bookings NOT necessary, because you will stay on board of our Boeing 727), we will fly nonstop to our new destination Rio de Janeiro North (Kourou, near Cayenne in French Guiana), where you will have five hours of free time to visit the French and European Space Center, before you hop on the airport shuttle bus, which will take you nonstop to the beautiful beaches of Copacabana and Ipanema (3168km). No further jetlag is promised by Michael O’Leary, because Cayenne and Rio are in the same time zone. The bus transfer costs only 312 Euros. This offer is unbelievable and too good to be true? It is true! After the Carnival (approx. beginning of March) you will take the boat back to Cayenne, 1709.5 nautic miles, (412 Euros plus 50 Euros hammock charge if we have to supply the hammock. If you have your own one, the hammock charge will be reduced to 39 Euros) and enjoy the Atlantic on the other side of your home country. After another visit to the space center we will fly nonstop to the Azores, where the stop-over period is only 24 hours, before flying back to Dublin Northwest (Kevlavik, Island) where we will arrive around the 31st of March. All for 2 Euros. Yes, this is not a misprint. Just 2 Euros! (Terms and conditions apply)
And we offer the most amazing and of course unique inflight entertainment. Porn-films (3) for him and her, and children’s entertainment, like “beat your parents”. We also have a great game which is called “Keeping the pilot awake, because we have no co-pilot” (1).The best ideas will be published in our new inflight magazine “Ryan’s Daughter”. You can also book a romantic “Walking The Aisles” for only 7 Euros per 3 minutes or parts of it, or you play our favourite game “who can make the stewardess smile” (warning: nobody ever succeeded), or enjoy “safety instructions by our youngest guests” for only 30 Euros (only possible before departure of course). Bring your own guitar (watch our hand luggage restrictions) and start a singalong on our nonstop 6-day bus transfer from Cayenne to Copacabana. Toilet fees and costs for toilet paper are 50% reduced on our busses. To join our game “What shall we do with the drunken sailor” on our journey from Rio back to Cayenne you just pay 45 Euros. And you can win. Yes. You can win 3.5 million Euro in our exiting “Who’s afraid of sharks” game. (over 18 year old only). For the little ones we have the game “Spot the dolphin”. If they can prove that they have really spotted a dolphin they will win a cream cheese bagel for two.
Terms and conditions:
Flight both ways ONLY 2 Euros (one way) plus taxes
Wheelchair levy (2) 20 Euros
Passengers Overweight Charges, POC (4)
Buy 3 on-board toilet vouchers (5) for the sensational price of 23 Euros. Buy six for 46 Euros and
Additional toilet vouchers purchased during the flight or our stop-over will cost 30 Euros for 2.
Buy your Ryanair-coloured toilet paper on board for only 2 Euros per roll. (3 rolls for only 6 Euros).
Seat, Aisle and toilet cleaning 34 Euro per Aisle (win a cleaning voucher, clean your seat and the aisle yourself and safe 17 Euros.
Luggage check-in: Pay just 4 Euros per kilogram (or part of it). Limit per person 16.5 kg. Pay now and you can check in your luggage on our return flight for free. Yes. Absolutely for free! Pay only the handling charge of 3 Euros per kilogram or win a “stow away the luggage yourself” voucher and join the airport handling crew by loading your luggage into the plane.
Hand luggage is restricted to 5kg per person (2.5kg for under 14 year old children) and includes your own meals and all duty free shopping (No cosmetics, no alcohol, no tobacco allowed. Buy them from our trolleys). Win a “trolley pusher”-voucher and safe 10% on all on-board shopping items including a Michael O’Leary voodoo doll and lots of alcohol (6)
Get your malaria and yellow fever jabs for free. Just go to one of our Ryanair doctors (both in Dublin) and just pay them 112 Euros and you get both jabs for free!
No meals will be supplied during our flights and stop-overs, but bring your own for just 50 Euros (watch our hand luggage restrictions).
No refunds (7)
Inflight experience tax: 12 Euros (8)
Booking free for credit cards: 10 Euros
Booking fee for Diner’s Club and American Express cards (new): 45 Euros
(1) Michael O’Leary on his pilots “People ask how we can have such low fares. I tell them our pilots work for nothing.” … and “Why does every plane have two pilots? Really, you only need one pilot. Let's take out the second pilot. Let the bloody computer fly it… Train one of the cabin crew members to land the plane.”
(2) Michael O’Leary on the introduction of a wheelchair levy "We estimate it costs £25 [per person] to transport disabled passengers at Stansted, and we carry 1.5 million such passengers every year. Ryanair kept getting people who just didn't fancy the long walk to the plane and declared themselves to be in need of assistance."
(3) Michael O’Leary on the possibly offering porn movies during flights. “I'm not talking about having it on screens on the back of seats for everyone to see. It would be on handheld devices. Hotels around the world have it, so why wouldn't we?”
(4) On overweight passengers: "Nobody wants to sit beside a really fat bastard on board. We have been frankly astonished at the number of customers who don't only want to tax fat people but torture them."
(5) On the possibility of charging airline passengers who want to use the toilet: "One thing we have looked at is maybe putting a coin slot on the toilet door so that people might actually have to spend a pound to spend a penny in the future. If someone wanted to pay £5 to go to the toilet I would carry them myself. I would wipe their bums for a fiver.”
(6) On upgrading sales of alcohol on a flight: “If drink sales are falling off we get the pilots to engineer a bit of turbulence. That usually spikes up the drink sales.”
(7) On refunds: "You're not getting a refund so **** off. We don't want to hear your sob stories. What part of 'no refund' don't you understand?"
(8)On the in-flight experience: "Anyone who thinks Ryanair flights are some sort of bastion of sanctity where you can contemplate your navel is wrong. We already bombard you with as many in-flight announcements and trolleys as we can. Anyone who looks like sleeping, we wake them up to sell them things."
(NO)INTERVIEW with Michael O’Leary (MOL)
All answers from MOL are for real. The questions have been added later by the editor
Q: Mr. O’Leary. You are not a very popular figure in the airline industry.
MOL: : "I don't give a ***** if no-one likes me. I am not a cloud bunny, I am not an aerosexual. I don't like aeroplanes. I never wanted to be a pilot like those other platoons of goons who populate the airline industry."
Q: You are always very direct in your comments. Are you always ready for a fight?
MOL: “They don't call us the fighting Irish for nothing. We have been the travel innovators of Europe! We built the roads and laid the rails. Now it's the airlines!.. I'm Irish and we don't have to prove anything. We are God's own children.”
Q: Do you really believe you have opened the skies for the poor?”
MOL: “For years flying has been the preserve of rich f_ckers. Now everyone can afford to fly.”
Q: What about security? And what about regulations?
MOL: “We fight constantly with governments and idiot Brussels bureaucrats who want to put up the cost of air travel, or half-witted environmentalists who can't add two and two.”
Q: Will the recession harm the airline industry? And will it harm Ryanair?
MOL: “We need a recession. We have had 10 years of growth. A recession gets rid of crappy loss-making airlines and it means we can buy aircraft more cheaply. We would welcome a good, deep, bloody recession for 12 to 18 months. We need one if we are going to see off some of this environmental nonsense that has become so popular among the chattering classes.”
Q: What do you mean by environmental nonsense?
MOL: “(Environmentalist) We want to annoy the f_ckers whenever we can. The best thing you can do with environmentalists is shoot them. These head-bangers want to make air travel the preserve of the rich. They are Luddites marching us back to the 18th century. If preserving the environment means stopping poor people flying so the rich can fly, then screw it. “
Q: But you have to admit that global warming…
MOL: “Nobody can argue that there isn't climate change. The climate's been changing since time immemorial… Do I believe there is global warming? No, I believe it's all a load of bullsh_t. But it's amazing the way the whole f_cking eco-warriors and the media have changed. It used to be global warming, but now, when global temperatures haven't risen in the past 12 years, they say 'climate change'… Well, hang on, we've had an ice age. We've also had a couple of very hot spells during the Middle Ages, so nobody can deny climate change. But there's absolutely no link between man-made carbon, which contributes less than 2% of total carbon emissions [and climate change]… Scientists argue there is global warming because they wouldn't get half of the funding they get now if it turns out to be completely bogus”.
Q: You are known to be a hard working man. Do you go on holidays yourself?
MOL: “I do it because I have a wife and four children who insist that I have to go away every year otherwise they will be traumatized. Of course, I fly Ryanair, but it costs me a fortune in excess baggage.”
Q: Will you stay carry on to be very strict with your no-refund policy?
MOL: "You're not getting a refund, so f_ck off. We don't want to hear your sob stories. What part of 'no refund' don't you understand?"
Q: Do you really believe that you are underpaid?
MOL: “I am Europe’s most underpaid and underappreciated boss. I’m paid about 20 times more than the average employee (at Ryanair), and I think the gap should be wider. I was paid €1.2-million last year for carrying 80 million passengers. (Irish rival) Aer Lingus' boss (Christoph Mueller) got €1.3-million for carrying 9 million passengers.”
Q: Brings us back to the environment…You seem to be always very upset, when it comes to environmental issues? Don’t you agree that saving the environment and doing something regarding global warming is important?
MOL: The chattering bloody classes, or what I call the liberal Guardian (newspaper) readers, they’re all buying SUVs to drive around London. I smile at these loons who drive their SUVs down to Sainsbury’s (supermarket) and buy kiwi fruit from New Zealand. They’re flown in from New Zealand for Christ sakes. They’re the equivalent of environmental nuclear bombs!
CREDITS: All Michael O'Leary quotes are from the book "Plane Speaking - the wit and wisdom of Michael O'Leary"
by Paul Kilduff, published by Aurum Press.