Our expert panel of therapists (psychiatrists, psychologists, kinesiologists, massage therapists, general practitioners and proctologists) has analysed the behaviour, speech and body language (translated into English of course) of ... yes! JOHNNY DEPP.

Here is what the experts had to say
Prof. Dr. O. (Linguistic expert) "First of all, the word DEPP means in German language something like "stupid or idiot". The word "Depp" originates in the South of Germany and we conclude that "Depp" is not the right one for Johnny, because he is definitely not a "Depp". But changing his name from DEPP to CLEVER might have some repercussions on his amazing carreer. I therefore give him 7 out of 10 points.

Elvira W. (massage therapist): "He seems to be very relaxed when you see him walking down the isle to go on stage to give an acceptance speech. As I said: It "seems", because all his muscles are very tense, every step is rehearsed.
His thoughts might be: "I know that I am quite shy, but when I walk cool and my speech becomes blurred, my colleagues and my fans think wow, what a cool guy... he must be on drugs! This is of course a totally wrong impression. But never mind." That is correct, says expert Elvira. Johnny's thoughts are with the band "Taraf de Haiduks" which he wants to join once he retires from the film industry. Here is a comment by one member of Taraf de Haiduks: "Well, Johnny... I would not go that far!" 5 out of 10!

Wanda Sch. (psychologist): I believe that many people - nearly everybody - want to have sex with him. Including me, of course, because he is also very cute. And deep inside he is very worried, that one day he really has to sleep with me. A spastic walk and a blurred speech attracts many women/girls who just dream that Johnny Depp wispers into their ears "Wll m ffckg orny, ohhmmmm". That's why I give him 9 our of 10. Why not 10 our of 10? Well, having sex to the music of Taraf de Haiduks means that the partners have to be physically very fit, because the incredible fast 9/8th rhythm of this "Band of Gipsies" will make the sex look like two horny rabbits are doing it...The only (and very positive) difference: I believe with Johnny it might last longer. He is my hero!"

Dr. Simon S. (psychiatrist): For me its the eyes! Although he always tries to cover them with his funny sunglasses, I can easily read his eyes. They clearly say "How can you expect me to be normal, after playing so many films for Tim Burton?" And of course he is right. You cannot blame him, but only Tim Burton. Johnny himself is a great guy, I believe. My tip for this amazing actor: Try occasionally to be yourself. It might sound weird, but could be helpful. 8 out of 10 for this great actor 

Johanna V. (kinesiologist and Shiatsu expert): A woman told me the other day that she had sex with Johnny (although she did not say Depp), but then she added: "All was fine and perfect. The only thing I did not like was listening to him when he said "Wll m ffckg orny, ohhmmmm", followed by a laughter you normally see in faces of people, who are generally harmless, but still locked up and receiving many colorful pills. But he is free... and that is good! BTW Tim Burton is also free, but I do not think that this is good. Therefore 10 out of 10 for "my cute grape".

PANEL'S CONCLUSION: Johnny, you are the man! Don't you change (much). Maybe your blurred speech needs a bit more training, because a sentence like "Wll m ffckg orny ohhmmm" can easily be misunderstood. So! Careful girls! If you hear this sentence, do NOT reply with a "Oh yes, do it!", because all he said was "I would really love to listen to the tune "A stork flew over the Danube" by Taraf de Haiduks": Because making love to this tune is the hardest physical work you can imagine. Even harder than playing American Football (for British readers: This is the game you call "Rugby for Sissies".) The overall points for Johnny Depp: 8 out of 10. He is therefore top of the list. Congratulations.
PS: Last on the list is still Mr. Quentin Tarrantino with -12 out of 10.


Dear Mr. Spielberg
Please excuse my bad English, but I am from Austria.
I have a brilliant idea for a new movie which should be directed and produced by you. It is great action and will hit the tooth of the time. Here is the story: SAVING ZIRYA.
Civil war in… let us name it Zirya. The brutal dictator Basher al-Acid (Al Pacino) is suppressing his people while he lives in a golden palace in unbelievable wealth and has a harem of 72 (former) virgins. His army, the bad guys, (we have to find a lot of really bad looking Extras) is killing mainly innocent women and children.
There is this 12 year old blonde orphan boy named Jamie, who lost his American father and Ziryan mother in one of these brutal attacks by the government forces. He is walking with his two extraordinary cute donkeys (Harvey and Marvin) through the devastated capital when he becomes a witness of a secret discussion between an army general and somebody else. He has to learn that the cruel dictator is planning a chemical weapon attack on 5000 women and children, because this is what Acid really likes. The boy knows the brilliant undercover American journalist Walter Finch (Tom Hanks) and his assistant Maggie (Cameron Diaz) who are in love with each other but do not know it yet. I believe this could be a nice twist.  Finch is sending emails on a daily base to the White House and informs the Americans what he learned from the boy Jamie.
Now the good Americans really have enough of it and because they want to bring peace and their way of life to the whole world, they plan an attack to help all the suppressed people of Zirya, who are all good Islamic Methodists. Before they are launching their friendly missiles which are designed only to hit the bad guys, the US president sends in Jack Bauer (Kiefer Sutherland) to prepare the ground for the American attack. Poor Jack gets shot seven (7) times within 24 hours but of course completes his mission with the help of James, Walter and Maggie while he is in constant contact with the US president via cell phone and of course with CTU and Homeland Security. But during their secret work, one of Jamie’s donkeys (we have to decide which one) gets killed by a brutal cousin of dictator Acid.
Finally lots of American missiles rain on the capital of Zirya, hitting only bad guys (approx. 100000) destroying all chemical, biological and nuclear weapons of the bad dictator. No innocent people get harmed thanks to Jack Bauer who gets shot again three (3) times. The bad Acid will flee from his palace and is trying to get to either Switzerland or Saudi Arabia. But he is in panic and gets lost while climbing a mountain which separates his palace from the secret airfield. Finally he falls off a rock while realizing that he has been followed by Jamie, Jack, Walter and Maggie. He is hanging there, holding on to a stone with only two fingers (all covered in golden rings), when the boy Jamie reaches him first. “Help me, I will make you very rich” he says, but Jamie only thinks about his dead donkey and just watches when the dictator finally falls down.  Heartbreaking music (Vangelis) starts and we see a great sunset and all Ziryans are dancing. The music then changes into Star-Spangled Banner. Walter, Maggie and Jamie are holding their hearts with the right hand and then hug each other. In a distant you see Jack Bauer disappearing while he is on his cell phone saying something like “copy that”, because that’s what he always does.
During the credits one can see how the Americans, British, French and Germans are rebuilding this country to turn it into paradise.
Hope you like my story and I am awaiting your answer asap.
Best wishes
Hans Derkanns

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